Revisiting Pt. 1: Walls

I’ve had a few blogs over the years and everytime I refocus, I create a new blog. Well, it occurred to me in the shower this morning that if I am going to give everyone my everything I just might want to revisit those blogs from years past.

So here’s from January 2017, “Walls” from my Uncensored blog, where swearing is a thing.

I hit a wall. I hit a hard, unforgiving, and cold wall. It was the end of November and I arrived in the office for work. 2016 had been pretty cruel and full of disappointment. Working in a retail environment going into the holiday season was a recipe for anxiety, depression, and a complete overwhelmingly insanity. I dreaded coming in to work. Every morning was like getting ready to stand before a firing squad, shambling towards my death as I thought about better things and places I rather be.

I came around my desk, my boss lady pouring through applications since we were still desperate for more help. There on my desk was a framed 10 year certificate, a name badge, and a little paper box with a 10 year pin inside. I felt myself collide with the wall. My stomach dropped and my heart shattered.

Was this the sum of my accomplishments? A piece of paper in a cheap plastic frame and a grunt of acknowledgement. Really? Not even a handshake or thank you. I imagined myself chucking the whole lot into the trash can under my desk.

It was an awful feeling.

Instead I placed the certificate on the far end of my desk next to the wall and dropped the badge and pin into my desk drawer. With everything facing me for the day, I didn’t have time for that.

Over the next few weeks, every time I opened the drawer those reminders of what it felt like to be unappreciated stared at me. It was was worse than being invisible. They knew I was there, but I was passed over and ignored.

Then shortly before Christmas someone said “congratulations on your 10 years.” It was a new associate trying to make conversation and be polite. My head swiveled about and the most fake smile ever crossed my lips. I thanked him and the voice that came out was morose and hedged with anger. I didn’t recognize it.

This wasn’t me.

I had to make a change. I began to read and search out jobs. I started looking at careers and websites, just anything that appealed to me.

I began to realize that I was feeling let down by a company that I had gave half my adult life to and that lack of appreciation had caused a complete disengagement. And now I had to decide, do I let this stand?

I was starting to work through some of my personal issues, death, illness, a miscarriage, and work was just the icing on the cake. I was floating about aimlessly just stumbling one day into the other.

In working through things I found my voice buried deep under the layers of neglect and lies. “I find inspiration in helping people find their own.” I had said it a few times. I really connected to that statement. Every time I said it, I found it uplifting me. It gave me my purpose and helped me find the courage to start working through my own issues.

Then I found myself here, blogging about my experiences hoping that someone might find that twinge of inspiration to keep going. Sometimes the journey is just as important as the destination. Always be brave.

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